


I Can't Do This Alone Anymore

by ConsiderableColors



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: ATYD references, Angst, Bad Parent Walburga Black, Breakfast, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everything Hurts, Fuck J.K. Rowling, Hurt/Comfort, Lie Low At Lupin's (Harry Potter), M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sirius Black Free from Azkaban, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 14:01:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29734962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConsiderableColors/pseuds/ConsiderableColors
Summary: "You seem... Brighter. Usually the moon, it makes you... But you seem better?" Sirius fiddles with his hands, anxious. Anxious isn't a good look on him, Remus decides. "Is that... New?""No. No. I still feel like shit after. Usually. But," Remus says, forcing his tone to be nonchalant, "I guess the wolf missed you."Or, a breakfast conversation, post-Azkaban.Title taken from I Was An Island by John-Allison Weiss.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 71





	I Can't Do This Alone Anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to marauder's tiktok and All The Young Dudes for reawakening my Harry Potter hyperfixation lmao
> 
> Hopefully this goes without saying but I don't support any of J.K. Bitchling's views and this fic is very much written to spite her :)

Remus is almost done with breakfast by the time Sirius wakes up.

He can't remember having ever made breakfast after a full moon, typically much too tired for it. Now, however, he's hosting a guest, so he supposes he ought to. 

Luckily, this moon hadn't tired him out too badly. Sirius, he's sure, would still insist it would've been better if Padfoot had been there, but Remus was insistent on going alone. He was trying to trust Sirius again, really he was, but he just couldn't quite yet.

"Breakfast?" Sirius asks, clearly surprised.

"Breakfast," Remus confirms.

"Do you want help?"

"No, thank you."

Sirius nods, and sits.

And then it's silent. Just as it's been for the last week. It's still uncomfortable, that much is clear, but it's certainly better than it was when Sirius first came.

It's strange. Remus had been so used to silence as a child. Then, he became a marauder, and grew used to ear-piercing chaos. Then the war came, and he grew used to the silence again. 

"You look good." Sirius says suddenly.

Remus shrugs. "What d'you mean?"

"You seem... Brighter. Usually the moon, it makes you... But you seem better?" Sirius fiddles with his hands, anxious. Anxious isn't a good look on him, Remus decides. "Is that... New?"

"No. No. I still feel like shit after. Usually. But," Remus says, forcing his tone to be nonchalant, "I guess the wolf missed you."

Sirius stares at him a moment. Remus meets his gaze a moment, then looks away, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Oh," Sirius says.

"Yeah." Remus mumbles.

The timer goes off, and Remus turns back to the stove. He can feel Sirius still staring. 

He turns back, making eye contact. Sirius waits expectantly, clearly feeling encouraged by what Remus said. 

"Do you want salt and pepper, or no?"

Sirius wilts. Remus looks away again, trying not to feel guilty. It's hardly his fault that he isn't ready to hold a conversation, is it? Just because Sirius is ready to pretend that everything is normal...

"No," Sirius says, every ounce of emotion leaving his voice. "Just the eggs is fine."

Remus nods, scooping a pile onto his plate. "Do you need me to...?"

Sirius shakes his head. "I've got it. You don't need to do anything for me."

At his heart, the wolf gnashes its teeth, frustrated. 'But I want to! Pack looks after each other! Just because you betrayed me doesn't mean I've forgotten everything you meant to me!'

"You're right," Remus says cooly. "I don't." 

Sirius practically flinches, and Remus immediately feels like a prick.

"I'm sorry," He tries. "I didn't mean..."

"You did," Sirius says, setting his plate down. "I get it, though."

Remus searches for something to say, but comes up empty. "Let's just eat," He says instead.

He sits, and Sirius follows his lead. Remus picks up a fork, picking at his food with little interest. He spares a glance at Sirius, who is simply looking at the meal as though he's never seen anything like it. Slowly, Sirius grabs a piece of egg in his hand and eats it. 

Remus gapes, unable to help himself. Sirius, for as much as he detested his heritage, was never quite able to shake the manners that had been drilled into him. Sometimes, he'd act messy on purpose, typically to make James laugh, but unless he was actively thinking about it, he'd default to his aristocratic persona. And yet, here he is, shoveling in food with his own hands as if he hadn't had a proper meal in...

The realization hits Remus as suddenly as the shock. This is likely the first real meal Sirius has had in... 13 years, if not longer.

There's a horrid clashing sound, and Remus is yanked from his thoughts. Sirius is standing, looking petrified. The plate is shattered at his feet, and Sirius' hands are still frozen mid-air, making Remus believe he's just dropped it.

"I'm sorry," Sirius says, and Remus hasn't the faintest clue what he's apologizing for. It could be the eating, or breaking the plate, or both, or everything. 

"It's fine," Remus replies instantly, desperate to get the terrified look off of Sirius' face.

"I'll clean it up," Sirius rushes to say.

"No, no, I've got it."

"But I dropped it-"

"You don't know where the broom is-"

"I don't need it-"

"Of course you bloody need it-"

"I'll use my wand-"

"Your hands are shaking, Sirius!"

"Well, I'll use them, then!"

Before Remus can protest further, Sirius bends down to pick up the shards of glass, and cuts his finger on the edge of one.

Blood begins gushing out, and Remus panics. "For Merlin's sake," He yells, "Just sit down and let me do it!" 

Sirius freezes as if he's been hit.

Remus walks past him without another word, grabbing the broom from the living room and cleaning the mess. 

Sirius stays silent. Remus doesn't even look in his direction until he's finished. 

Once the glass is disposed of, Remus grabs a medical kit. "Let me see it."

"It's just a cut," Sirius says quietly.

"Let me see it."

He relents.

Remus wraps the cut, careful to slow down and adjust his grip if Sirius winces.

"I didn't mean to shout," Remus says.

"It's alright."

It isn't. You don't shout at Sirius. The only person who shouts at Sirius is Walburga Black, and Remus would rather die than remind Sirius of her.

"I'm sorry," Sirius repeats. "The plate..."

"It's just a plate."

"I just. I realized what I was doing, I suppose." He speaks so quietly Remus can barely hear him, voice filled with shame. "In Azkaban... Well, they didn't give us utensils, obviously. Course, I'm not there anymore. I must've looked ridiculous... I just. Forgot, I suppose."

Remus can feel himself tearing up, and desperately tries not to. "Right," He says roughly, waiting for Sirius to continue.

He doesn't. 

It takes a few moments before Remus realizes Sirius is crying. It's heartbreaking.

Distantly, Remus thinks he should be saying something to comfort him, but he doesn't trust his own voice. Instead, he steps forward and wraps his arms around Sirius, who only sobs harder at the contact. 

It's been so long since they've sat and held each other like this. As Remus begins to cry himself, he decides it feels like coming home.

Sirius tucks his head against Remus' chest. "Tell me a secret," He whispers, voice hoarse.

Remus runs a hand through his mane of hair. "A nice one?"

"Do you have any nice ones left?"

Remus thinks a moment, of secrets Sirius doesn't know yet. He thinks of the moon after Halloween, the wolf clawing and gnawing so hard into Remus that he hadn't woken up for days after. He thinks of when he did wake, laying there for almost two days in his own blood, not even bothering to call for help, hoping death would just hurry up and take him already. That's not a good secret.

He thinks of Dumbledore coming to visit, months and months later, asking for a favor. He thinks of cursing him out, screaming until his voice was gone. "YOU DID THIS! YOU TOOK JAMES' CLOAK AND YOU TOLD LILY TO STAY HOME AND YOU MADE MARLENE GO OUT AND YOU TOLD SIRIUS TO BE SECRET KEEPER AND YOU KILLED THEM ALL, YOU BLOODY BASTARD, AND IF YOU EVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN, I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!" That's not a good secret, either.

He presses his forehead against Sirius', listening for a moment as both of them try to muffle their cries. Remus takes a shaky breath. "It wasn't just the wolf," He murmurs.

Sirius looks up at him, eyes wide with confusion.

"It wasn't just the wolf," Remus whispers. "I missed you too."

Sirius whimpers, clutching him tighter.

It's not an 'I love you'. They haven't traded those words in years and years.

Still, Remus thinks, dizzily, as he pulls Sirius closer, they both know the sentiment is there. And for now, that will have to be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is considerablecolors if you'd like to drop by!


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